Basic Needs in Relationships

After collecting a lifetime of baggage in all its forms we may at times no longer have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like. Often we allow people into our lives who treat us as we expect to be treated.

No one intends to be in an abusive relationship, but individuals who were verbally abused by a parent or other significant person often find themselves in similar situations as an adult. If a parent tended to define your experiences and emotions, and judge your behaviors, you may not have learned how to set your own standards, develop your own viewpoints and validate your own feeling and perceptions.

Consequently, the controlling and defining stance taken by an emotional abuser may feel familiar or even conformable to you, although it is destructive you feel you can contol it. It may be that you deliberatly set out to search for and make happen. A comfort ZONE.

If we feel contempt for ourselves or think very little of ourselves, we may pick partners or significant others who reflect this image back to us.

If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, or treat others in negative ways, it is very possible that we also treat ourselves similarly.

If you are an abuser or a recipient, you may want to consider how you treat yourself. What sorts of things do you say and do to yourself?

Do thoughts such as "I'm stupid" or "I never do anything right" dominate your thinking? Learning to love and care for ourselves increases self-esteem and makes it more likely that we will have healthy, intimate relationships. The word need can be replaced with 'right'

BASIC NEEDS

* The need for good will from the others.
* The need for emotional support.
* The need to be responded to with respect and acceptance
* The need to have your own view, even if others have a different view.
* The need to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
* The need to receive a sincere apology for anything said offensively.
* The need for clear, honest answers to questions about what affects you.
* The need to for freedom from accusation, interrogation and blame.
* The need to live free from criticism and judgment.
* The need to have your work and your interests respected.
* The need for encouragement.
* The need for freedom from emotional and physical threat.
* The need for freedom from from angry outburst and rage.
* The need for freedom from labels which devalue you.
* The need to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
* The need to have your final decisions accepted.
* The need for privacy at times.

Other Characteristics of abused people are:

* Feelings of low self- esteem (This is a result of being criticized too often as children and teenagers.)

* We perpetuate these parental messages by judging ourselves and others harshly. We try to cover up our poor opinions of ourselves by being perfectionistic, controlling, contemptuous and gossipy.

* We tend to isolate ourselves out of fear and we feel often uneasy around other people, especially authority figures.

* We are desperate for love and approval and will do anything to make people like us. Not wanting to hurt others, we remain "loyal" in situations and relationships even when evidence indicates our loyalty is undeserved.

* We are afraid of losing others.

* We are afraid of being abandoned.

* It is difficult for us to "let go."

* We are intimidated by angry people and personal criticism. This adds to our feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.

* We continue to attract emotionally unavailable people with addictive personalities.

* We live life as victims, blaming others for our circumstances, and are attracted to other victims (and people with power) as friends and lovers. We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and rescue. And we confuse love with need.

* We are either super-responsible or super-irresponsible. We take responsibility for solving others' problems or expect others to be responsible for solving ours. This enables us to avoid being responsible for our own lives and choices.

* We feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves or act in our own best interests. We give in to others' needs and opinions instead of taking care of ourselves.

* We deny, minimize or repress our feelings as a result of our traumatic childhoods. We are unaware of the impact that our inability to identify and express our feelings has had on our adult lives.

* We are dependent personalities who are so terrified of rejection or abandonment that we tend to stay in situations or relationships that are harmful to us. Our fears and dependency stop us form ending unfulfilling relationships and prevent us from entering into fulfilling ones. Because we feel so unlovable it is difficult or impossible to believe anyone can really love us, and won't eventually leave us once they see how "bad" we are.

* Denial, isolation, control, shame, and undeserved guilt are legacies from our family. As a result of these symptoms, we feel hopeless and helpless.

* We have difficulty with intimacy, security, trust, and commitment in our relationships. Lacking clearly defined personal limits and boundaries, we become enmeshed in our partner's needs and emotions. We often become codependent.

* We tend to procrastinate and have difficulty following project through from beginning to end.

* We have a strong need to be in control. We overreact to change things over which we have no control.



Art Elliott 2010