RESPECT:
When we are respected I believe we gain the voluntary cooperation of people. We don't have to use as much of our energy and resources trying to get our needs met. When people respect one another there are fewer conflicts. In summary, it is for both evolutionary and practical reasons that respect is important, and also why we simply feel better when we are respected. However I also believe we teach others how to treat us.

Where Respect Comes From

As I see it, and hence this blog is a very subjective and personal view, that respect is something that is earned. One earns another's respect by voluntarily doing things I mention throughout this blog, such as taking that person's feelings, needs and thoughts into consideration.

Respect seems to be like a boomerang in the sense that you must send it out before it will come back to you. Respect cannot be demanded or forced, though sometimes people mistakenly believe that it can, as I discuss below.

An Aside:

Just like a newborn baby has no concept of respect, and feels only its own needs when it is first born, I believe that the only successful way to teach a person what respect is, is to earn the respect of that person as they slowly grow into a thinking human being. In a happy nurturing household environment this is often a natural development. However in the situation of an adult who has never had these basic needs met then real latent issues with self and person respect may be just waitng to be shared?

The natural way outlined above is first of all by attending to the child's natural needs, such as to be fed and nurtured. As the child grows, their needs change. He or she has increasingly sophisticated psychological needs. He or she begins to express his own views, their own preferences, and he or she has an increasing need for freedom, autonomy and independence. This is when the adults in growing childs life can and should treat them with increasingly earned respect and thereby earn their respect in return.

It might not make sense to some to think of respecting a baby in the same way that we say we respect an adult. Yet on some level the two concepts are similar. This similarity has to do with our voluntarily helping that person with their needs. In either case, we must first accept the needs. For example, if a baby needs to be fed at three in the morning we don't do it begrudgingly if we respect his natural needs; we simply accept that the infant has a natural need to eat at that particular moment. Likewise, if a person needs to talk, we should accept this need and show respect by listening voluntarily.

Below are more specific ways to show and earn respect, particularly to an older child, adolescent or adult.

Showing and Earning Respect

Respecting someone means respecting their feelings and their survival needs. To make this work we have to make sure that the person is aware of and have some understanding of mutual respect issues.

Here are ways to show respect for someone's feelings:

* asking them how they feel
* validating their feelings
* empathizing with them
* seeking understanding of their feelings
* taking their feelings into consideration

To make this process work several things are required.

For examples:

1. Each person must be aware of their own feelings; i.e. know how they feel.
2. They must be able to express and understand their feelings.
3. They must know how to listen non-judgmentally & non-defensively.
4. They must know how to validate feelings.
5. They must believe that feelings have value including both negative or positive.
6. They must believe that feelings matter.

If respecting someone means respecting their feelings and their survival needs, then if a person does not respect your feelings, they don't respect you. If those persons during your development, in positions of power and authority, do not respect your needs and feelings, they will not earn your respect. This can be said to be a 'learned experience'

Here are I believe some specific ways to show respect:

* Asking others "How would you feel if..." before making a decision which affects them. Beware the actor.

* Voluntarily making changes and compromises to accommodate their feelings, desires and needs. Beware showing love weaknesses

* Not interrupting them even if they are 'digging themsleves deeper' let them do it. Be sure to understand why they might do this.

* Soliciting and allowing feedback. Trying to understand their beliefs, values and needs. Beware 'giving in' for the sake of peace reasons.

* Giving them the opportunity to solve their own problems without underestimating them, in particular:

Avoid telling them what to do. perhaps 'ask' if you can help.

Avoid telling them what they 'need' to or 'should do,suggestions may be better

Avoid giving them unsolicited advice, sermons and lectures

Remember in my view, that the most effective way of finding out how well your efforts are working is to simply ask, "On a scale of 0-10, how much do you feel respected by me?" If you have created a safe environment, you are likely to get an honest answer.

Then if it is lower than 10, you can ask, "What would help you feel more respected?" Then you have the specific information you need to improve your 'rating.' I have found that most people are more than willing to express themselves when asked such a question. And the answers are typically articulate, and often surprising.

Measuring Respect

A simple way to measure respect is to use the 0-10 scale suggested above. You can ask others, "On a scale of 0-10, how much do you feel respected by ____?" Such a clear, direct question has provided me with invaluable information since I started asking it several years ago. Here are some more questions to ponder:

* What would happen if customers, clients, and constituents were asked how much they felt respected by employees of businesses and government agencies?

* What if children and adolescents were asked how much they felt respected by their parents and teachers? What if someone took action based on the responses?

I believe respect is too important to go unmeasured in society. We track many other numbers, but so far, we don't track respect. I believe doing so would be a step in the right direction.

Art 2004